Beauty and the East

Beauty is a relative thing. What is considered beautiful in one place may be considered ugly in another, but most of us were brought up to believe that what is on the inside is what matters most.

For centuries people have tried to augment their outward appearance. Whether they have done it with minor measures (makeup, wearing stripes to look skinny) or with drastic measures (see Michael Jackson) people have tried to make themselves more beautiful. Plastic surgery is kind of a big thing in South Korea, but there is one surgery that just baffles me: eye surgery.

For the first few weeks I was here I didn't notice it, but after it was pointed out to me, I started to notice it everywhere. Girls get eye surgery to make their eyes look more open, giving their face a more European or American look. Most of the models in advertisements on the subway and on the street have clearly had the surgery, so the standard has been set - you are not a truly beautiful Korean unless you don't look like one. What a fucked up mentality.

I have decided to protest this surgery I am going to have surgery to close my eyes and make them look more Korean. I'm not sure how the surgery works, but I'm sure it is expensive so I will have to wait until I have saved up enough money. I will change nothing about my personality or other physical appearances, just my eyes. I guess my other option is getting surgery to open my eyes even further, making me look like some kind of surprised cartoon character.

I don't like it when people pretend to be something they aren't (see Ted Haggard.) One pleasant thing about my journey to Korea is the chance I have gotten to see myself adapt to totally new people, both of a new culture and from my own. Starting anew somewhere gives one the chance to augment their personality for the better and I am proud to say, I am pretty much the same over here as I am in the States. I guess that means I'm pretty happy with what's inside. Now I've just got to get a tummy tuck, some butt implants, a boob job and that eye surgery.

Love from Seoul

Caw Caw

I can say, without fear of hyperbole, that today was one of the best days of my life.

I woke up and bought a cup of Starbucks coffee, a few donuts and cleaned up the apartment. When that was done I read for about an hour, took a shower and then turned on the KU pregame show for the Florida game. I find it somewhat redundant to explain the next few hours of my day as I watched the KU game to those of you that got to see the game, but to those of you that did not I can say only one thing: Fuck Yeah! It was one of the better games I have watched in my lifetime and ended the best way I could have hoped (well, maybe it should have ended in regulation, but beating the number one team in the country is never a bad thing.) My beloved Jayhawks looked like the best team in the land for 45 minutes of action and I could not have been happier for that game to be the first game I get to see of the season. My only regret is not being around more 'Hawks fans, but it was a great taste of home to get to see the boys win a game of such magnitude. Little did I know, that would not be the only taste of home I would have this day.

Within a half hour of the game ending (after an obligatory phone call to the old roomies after a win like that) I headed downstairs to fire up the birdcage to cook a turkey for a belated Thanksgiving feast. There were a lot of question marks involved with the cooking of a turkey in a bird cage, but one thing was for certain: I was going to use a whole bottle of Jack Stack all-purpose rub that Fred sent over to season the 12-pound bird. The bird was placed on a large fruit cocktail can full of Hite Prime ( a local brew), for there isn't a single beer can in Korea that could support a bird that size. The turkey cooked for over three hours and throughout the cooking process hunched a little bit to the side, but the final product was unquestionably one of the best turkeys I have ever eaten - the outside was flavorful and the inside was moist - it tasted a lot like freedom. To the turkey we added Stove Top stuffing that was sent over from Vermont, corn, broccoli, carrots, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes and an ice cream pie from Baskin Robbins for dessert. Although it is an American holiday, I sat around a table with friends from all over the world: Canada, Norway, Kentucky and Korea. It was a great way to celebrate Thanksgiving (even though the dirty Kentuckian was there) and a good time was had by all. I had an uncontrollable smile for most of the meal and was so thankful to be sitting around a table with such good people. I think my friend John put it best when he said, "A Thanksgiving dinner like this in Korea is like getting a glass of ice water in hell."

The dinner could not have turned out better and the game could not have turned out better. To top it all of I hit a double eagle and a hole in one to win a round of Tiger Woods golf on PS2 and found a grocery store that sells Ben and Jerry's ice cream. Finally Korea has lived up to its moniker: the Land of Miracles. If things keep going like this, I don't think I'll ever make it home...

Love from Seoul

(keep checking back - I'll post photos of the ordeal as soon as they're e-mailed to me)

Happy (real) Thanksgiving!

As most of you know, I live in the future. Thanksgiving has already come to a close in Korea although it is just beginning in the States. I left work at 9:00pm and headed straight for a place called "Outback Steakhouse." "Outback Steakhouse" is a crazy Korean restaurant in Seoul that sells steaks and has a wacky Australian theme with Koala crossing signs on the wall and Australian lingo on the menu - only in Korea, huh?

I ordered a steak and bottle of wine from my waiter (he is "my waiter" - I have been to Outback many times and he is the only waiter that speaks fluent English) and enjoyed the Korean version of a Thanksgiving feast. I tried to explain that today is a big holiday in America, so to appease my holiday wishes he brought me a complimentary plate of Korean made pickles, which were terrible. I sat at a table alone listening to an old Jerry Garcia show ("walking alone in the mission, in the rain") as I enjoyed a delicious steak and bottle of wine. It wasn't the same as an American Thanksgiving feast, but it was quite enjoyable. I couldn't help but be a little homesick, but at the same time I was incredibly thankful for the life I am living: I live in a great city with a great job and great friends back home that are missing me greatly (right?...right?) I walked out of the restaurant with a smile on my face and a full belly realizing that as far away from Kansas City as I get, and even though I am not physically there, I am still there in spirit. When the lights come on, my smile should be present in each and every one of your thoughts, for the lights represent the soul of Kansas City and the Seoul of Kansas City lives inside me. I wish I was there to spend this time with all of you, but for now that is impossible. Wishing I was there and wishing this city had more Christmas lights...

Happy Turkey Day to all, and to all a good night...

Love from Seoul

Strippers With Benefits

I ventured to Itaewon with a few friends this weekend to check out what had been advertised as a "New Live Music Bar!" Apparently in this country, "New" means old, "Live" means loud and "Music Bar" denotes a place where shitty music is played. However, I think we can all agree that "New Live Music Bar" is much more appealing than "Old Loud Place Where Shitty Music is Played" - it definitely doesn't roll off the toungue as smoothly. As much as the band sucked, the bar was okay and it happened to be in a part of town I have been curious to visit: an area affectionately called Hooker Hill.

Hooker Hill isn't too flashy; it's surprisingly low-key. There are other bars, restaurants and convenience stores intermingled with other store fronts in which friendly females sit by the door smiling, hoping you will enter and have a drink. What nice girls. I was quite surprised by the area. I have heard stories of Hooker Hill, and I guess in my mind I had always pictured something similar to the neighborhood in Sin City where the prostitutes control the land with swords and the police dare not go. Instead, I found something much more similar to the situation in Full Metal Jacket where the ladies confront you in a non-chalant manner and offer to love you long time.

The girls all seemed genuinely interested in me. I haven't found the Korean ladies to be all that into big hairy white guys, but these girls saw something special in my pants (my wallet.) As most of you know, I am both polite and a gentleman so I went out of my way to allow some of them to come on to me. I played dumb and told them that indeed I did enjoy sex and had lots of money - and then promptly continued walking. I told one that I hoped to make a "sexy-time explosion inside her," but then walked away asking my buddies for "high five okay."

Many of the stores had their own Korean Hugh Hefner's. While one of my friends made a call on his cell phone, a man approached us wearing a silk robe and slippers and coyly smiled at us and pointed his eyes in the direction of an unattractive thirty-something standing in the doorway. Unfortunately for him, our answer we gave with our laughter was: not sober, not drunk, not even if it was free. Either way, it was great to see that Hugh has been such a solid role model for generations of Korean pimps.

Now I know the question that's on all of your minds (at least Tom's) is "Did you?" The answer is no - and I don't really plan on it. Maybe after I've been here longer and become a little more like Kim Jong Il ("I'm so ronery") I might make the trek, but for now, it seems a little bit too weird to pay for it. There's enough people in this city that it seems like I should be able to find somebody to sleep with me without an exchange of currency. And if that doesn't work, there's always the internet to keep me busy...

Love from Seoul

English

Talking on the phone with friends and family recently, I realized how awkward my converstation skills have become. I spend a lot of time alone, and when I'm not alone I am usually conversing with Korean children whose English skills are less than stellar. I thought I would share an example of an actual conversation I had with a Korean man that works at my school that speaks limited English to help you understand both how limited my English usage is and the kind of conversations that fill my days here in Korea.

(The following takes place on the cement paddock that sits behind my school. I was on a break and smoking a cigarette as was my coworker. There was a harsh cold wind blowing as we both sucked down our smokes as quickly as we could)

Me: It's cold.

Coworker: Cold?

Me: The weather. The weather is cold.

Coworker: Ahh...Cold.

Me: It is nice. Not hot.

Coworker: Nice?

Me: I like cold. (patting my stomach) Fat man likes cold - no sweat.

Coworker: (laughing)

(At this point I flick my cigarette down towards the back of an apartment building. I regularly aim for this slab of concrete that is inside a large metal cage - today I nailed it and was quite proud of myself)

Coworker: Gas! That gas! (followed by laughter)

Was he serious? The laughter told me that it was either a joke or he found it hilarious that I had possibly just set into motion a series of events that may lead to the school exploding or burning down. To be on the safe side, I don't think I will be aiming for that slab of concrete anymore. Encounters like this one happen all the time. I use a limited amount of English and body language to get across a thought or idea and leave the conversation terrified that I may be blowing up a school (or disgracing an ancient custom or simply coming across as an asshole).

This last weekend I began working out of a book titled "Survival Korean" and I learned the first set of characters. I am excited to learn to read the weird code that everything is written in in this country. If I can start to speak just simple sayings, I feel like I could become a much more effective citizen. And hell, if it helps me get a little ass, that wouldn't be bad either.

Love from Seoul

Sunday - Two Parts

My alarm went off at 9:15am this morning and I woke up to listen to the KU game. It was a great way for the team to start their season and a great way for me to start my day. Today was a good one. I have two things to share tonight, please enjoy (hell yes).

Part One - A Story

With two of my fellow co-teachers, I went to Costco today. The store itself was two stories of pure bulk-item deals, with some American foods I haven't seen since I left the States (like "real" processed Kraft cheese slices). It really made me feel like I was at home in the capital of capitalism. As sweet as Costco was, what I would like to share with you is the story of the journey there.

To get to Costco you have to take a short subway ride and then hail a cab and have it drive you up a large hill. We had no idea where Costco was, but the procedure to get there had been explained to us: you are supposed to hail a cab outside of the subway station and ask to be taken to E-Mart (which happens to be right next to Costco), Korea's version of Target. If you ask a cabby to take you to Costco, they will take you to a popular apartment complex that in Korean sounds like "Bosco." We left the subway station and began trying to hail a cab. This proved to be almost impossible on this busy Sunday afternoon. Plus, hailing a cab for three scraggly white kids in Seoul is not an easy task on a not-so-busy day. After fifteen fruitless minutes of waiting at a cab stand, we decided to start walking in a different direction on the other side of the street, hoping we could find an empty cab. As we were walking away from the cab stand, I noticed a couple of white kids walking the other direction who we almost asked for directions, but we decided to just keep crossing the street and hope for the best. We finally got a cab to agree to take us. It was an old man who was an abnormally agressive driver - and to point out that a driver in this country is abnormally agressive is like pointing out the 450 lb. man who just went back for sixths at the all-you-can eat Shoney's is overweight - it's probably not necessary and it could be a little rude. The guy took us there in a roundabout way (we found that out when a different driver took us back a totally different way) and was driving somewhat more like a maniac than most other drivers in this country. After we'd been in his cab for around twenty minutes we got stuck in a traffic jam. Cars weren't moving around us, and neither were we until our cabby got distracted with one of the gauges and took some pressure off the brake. Finally, our car started moving, but unfortunately the car in front of us had not. We slammed into the car in front of us and our driver started laughing. Allow me to repeat: We got into a wreck in the middle of a traffic jam and our driver started laughing. The woman he hit was being quite polite until he started motioning to the back of her car and presumedly saying, "your car looks alright...so I'll just be on my way." He got back in the car like he was ready to drive off and she became livid. We threw money onto the console and got the hell out of there. We walked the rest of the way. As we were grabbing a cart, I couldn't help but notice the two white kids we were going to ask for directions over a half hour earlier were walking into Costco ahead of us.

The lesson here is twofold. Walk whenever it is an option and never, ever, for any reason get in a car that is driven by a Korean. Lessons learned.


Part Two - An Expensive Habit

I've picked up an expensive habit over here. Not meth. Not kimchi. Not even Korean whores. Instead, I have been reading books all the time. The problem is, English books are quite expensive over here. For example I went and bought Steve Martin's "Shopgirl" and read the whole thing tonight. Last Sunday I read "Choke" by Chuck Palahniuk. It would have honestly been cheaper for me to buy a bottle of liquor and six liters of beer at the local convenience store than to buy "Choke" - and it only lasted me one night.

When I was younger I used to read all the time. Reading is a much neglected pastime of mine, and I am glad to return to it. With all the free time I have, I find reading to be a good use of my time and I've already read a couple real good books. To give a little perspective on my reading habit, this summer at camp I read about 100 pages of one book. A few weeks ago I read "1984" by George Orwell in about three days. My next goal is to find more used bookstores around this city. I'm complaining because it's expensive, but it is delightful to have so much extra time to commit to reading. Dare I say, I think it may even be good for the Seoul.

(Okay, I halfway apologize for all of the cheesy puns with the word Seoul, but it's such a nice way to bring everything full circle, and with all the time on my hands, I devote at least thirty minutes of each day to "cheesy pun creation." I'll get tired of them soon and stop, but for now you're just going to have to live with them.)

Love from Seoul

A Seoulful Day

I felt really Korean today.

My day started with a little paperwork around my apartment and then I got this crazy craving for some bibimbap. Bibimbap is a dish that is served in a large bowl with all of the different ingredients presented in an array reminiscent of a pie chart. There is rice, carrots, some kind of delicous green squash (but not a zuchinni), seaweed, and lots of other vegetables, all with a sunny side egg on top. You add a hot pepper paste to the mix and mash the whole dish together. It is tasty, spicy and hearty. It's all served for a little less than $3.oo. It's the first time since I arrived in this country that I walked out of my apartment dead set on some Korean cuisine. Sure, I've eaten many a Korean meal, but I always happen into them - today was the first time I made a B-line straight for the Korean food and knew I wouldn't be satisfied until I had some. In case you were wondering, it was fucking good.

After lunch, I headed to the local Wooribank. It is a Korean bank that has a branch right by my apartment and one by the school I work at. I lined up a Korean bank account, acquired a bank card and deposited a bunch of money. Come payday this Friday my school will be direct-depositing a couple million Korean won in my account. If you know the exchange rate (100,000 won = one Korean whore), it's not that impressive, but it will still make me an official Korean baller. Life is good.

I've become increasingly more comfortable in the past few weeks. I feel fully acclimated to my suroundings and feel like I understand my job a lot better, the culture a little more and the language none - but I don't care anymore!

I'm already anticipating a little homesickness come Thanksgiving. Let's face it, Thanksgiving is a holiday made for fat kids and KFC will be a lackluster replacement for an American Thanksgiving feast. Also, I haven't missed a Plaza lighting ceremony in KC in over ten years. To prepare to battle my homesickness, I have bought a new lamp, but I haven't turned it on yet. I will simultaneously be lighting one light here in Seoul on Thanksgiving at the same time as the Plaza lights will come on to have my own little celebration. I think it will be special.

Love from Seoul

Beer-Can Seoul Style

Today could not have turned out better. I woke up to listen to the 'Hawks game on the radio, and found that the website I have paid to offer me up a radio feed is also offering. a video feed for the preseason games. Not only did I get to listen to the game, but it was also synched up with a video feed straight from Allen Field House. Good shit.

My struggle to cook beer-can chickens for dinner lasted all day, but ended up more successfully than I ever could have hoped. The contraption that you are looking at above is a MacGyver-esque piece of barbecue fantasy that could only be put together in Korea. The base of the grill is a small half barrel bought at the grocery store down the street. I don't think people buy their grills very often. The packed grocer had three grills stacked on top of eachother and the top grill was filled with fly swatters and hangers - I almost missed it. We also bought a grilling rack which you can see sticking out from underneath the cover. The cover is the top of a bird cage I bought in the market by the school I work at. I got some crazy looks from people on the subway while I was holding a large, empty bird cage. The top of the bird cage is surrounded with aluminium foil (I found it quite apropos to use a bird cage to house my beer-can chickens.) With a little foil to fill the holes in the spaces between the lid and the grill, the whole cooking device worked perfectly. The chickens were insanely good and made me feel like I wasn't living in a country full of rice and bean paste.

As if life could not get any better, the mix I've been trying to post on iTunes has finally been posted. They initially had some problems with me mentioning the name of the Ween song, "Let Me Lick Your Pussy," but after I removed that title, it has been published after a few different tries. The funny thing is they have labeled "Where'd the Cheese Go" by Ween as explicit while not labeling the less offensive "L.M.L.Y.P." explicit, even though the lyrics are so dirty they make the new Screech porno look clean.

Go to itunes, click on Music along the left panel, then click iMix and enter Seoul double-I (really "Seoul II"). It's a tasty mix of funky grooves sure to delight.

Love from Seoul

TGIF

I haven't looked forward to day more than tomorrow since I've been here. My day will begin with my alrm going off at 10:00 am to listen to the first Jayhawks basketball game of the season. No Max, but Bob will be here with me in Seoul, as well as Bill and the boys, which will be quite enough. I look forward to a solid showing and I think we're going to get to see (or in my case hear) a lot of the freshmen with both CJ and Sasha out of the line up.

After the game I will head to school. Tomorrow will be the shortest day I have worked at my school and will become my regular Friday schedule. I will got in at 3:00 and leave at 7:30, with a 55-minute break right in the middle. On my way home I plan on picking up a whole chicken and some cans of beer (do you see where I'm going with this?) and try my first shot at beer-can chicken in Korea. I found a small grill at the grocery store down the street from my place and we're going to fire it up in the alley by our apartment. The grill doesn't have a lid, so some improvisation will be needed to make it all work, but I'm confident that by the end of the night my mouth will be whisked back to the barbecue Mecca that is Kansas City. I wish I had some Boulevards to accompany the feast, but beggars can't be choosers.

Wish me luck. There will be more to come and hopefully pictures after tomorrow.

Beak 'Em 'Hawks!

Love from Seoul